"… I have become deeply aware of my own sorrow-filled heart. There was a time when I said: 'Next year I will finally have it together,' or 'When I grow more mature these moments of inner darkness will go,' or 'Age will diminish my emotional needs.' But now I know that my sorrows are mine and will not leave me. In fact I know they are very old and very deep sorrows, and that no amount of positive thinking or optimism will make them less. The adolescent struggle to find someone to love me is still there; unfulfilled needs for affirmation as a young adult remain alive in me. The deaths of my mother and many family members and friends during my later years cause me continual grief. Beyond all that, I experience deep sorrow that I have not become who I wanted to be, and that the God to whom I have prayed so much has not given me what I have most desired."He was born in 1932 and wrote this book in 1996, which was also the year of his death. Had struggled with depression and with same sex attraction, although he apparently managed to remain celibate, which, as a priest, he had vowed to do.
A more immediate sorrow is the death of an acquaintance of mine. The friend I've blogged about before (and see further links) worked — before he moved away — as personal care attendant for a handicapped young man, and they were also good friends. Several weeks after my friend left, the other man's handicap-equipped van rolled into a group at his company picnic, and one man died. This young man died last weekend at the age of 32. I had met him once, very briefly, and found him very pleasant. The news story in today's paper has quotes from a couple of his high school teachers saying how well liked he was as a student. It is sad when someone dies so young, and in this case the sadness is compounded by the fact that his last two months were overshadowed by the tragic accident at the picnic.
My friend will be returning to the area for the memorial service on Saturday. He'll stay overnight at my house Friday night, and we'll go to the funeral home together. Then he'll head home. It will be nice to see him again, but the death of his good friend is a real sorrow for him, so it won't be quite the same as if the visit were simply a holiday.
