Lunch with College Classmates and Their Wives

From time to time I've mentioned getting together with a couple of college classmates Dan and John and their wives for dinner. (E.g., here and here.) Last Saturday, we got together for lunch. Another classmate, John B, and his wife also joined us. It was part of a fairly busy day. I had told them that I'd have to leave by 3:00 so I could get home in time to attend my parish's "Mass of Remembrance" and the unrelated dinner that would follow it. Lunch was to be at 1:00 at a harbor side seafood restaurant in Boston, about 45 minutes' drive from my home. After all that was planned, a fellow parishioner asked me to meet him in the morning to tell him what the scripture scholar, who comes to our parish a couple of times a year, had said in the last lecture of a recent three lecture series. That get together lasted from 10:00 to 11:30.

John and Maureen were there when I arrived a couple of minutes before 1:00, and Dan and Carolyn arrived soon after. John B and Winnie got delayed by traffic coming up from the Cape, but were there by 20 past. I followed John's example and had a bloody mary. As usual, we talked for a while, but owing to my time constraints we had our orders in by 1:45. I decided on the fish in a bag because it had mushrooms. The bag turned out to be cellophane, and the fish was steamed in it. It was brought to the table opened. It was good, maybe not the best fish ever, but enjoyable.

The conversation was pleasant. Despite Maureen's rule of No Politics, imposed after an evening in which we got into a fairly heated argument, this time we managed to get in a few brief exchanges about the election and the President-elect. I think we all agree that Trump isn't fit for the job, and much will depend on the people he selects and listens to. There was also a lot of talk about family (John and Maureen's extended family is fairly large) and some about travel. At one point a couple of books were mentioned, and I took the opportunity to give a strong recommendation for Destiny of the Republic, by Candice Millard, about James A. Garfield. As soon as I mentioned it, John B. chimed in (see what I did there?*) with an enthusiastic second to my suggestion. He then gave me a couple of other titles — one by Millard — that he thought I'd like. Sometimes there was one conversation going on, sometimes several smaller ones.

It was a fairly pricey afternoon. We decided to split the tab equally, and Dan took charge of the check. It think in included the tax in figuring the tip, and rounded up rather generously, with the result that the tip was about 28% of the total and 37% of the pre-tax amount. Anyway, we paid $50 per person. Parking in the garage was another $29 (The garage at the subway station nearest my home charges $5.) But it was worth it: I can spend as much on a dinner alone, and this was maintaining friendships.

I had a couple of apprehensions beforehand. One is that typically the conversation can go on almost endlessly (the waitress has to come back maybe four times before people decide to order), and that would have been a problem for my getting home in time for the Mass. But they took care of that. The other is that sometimes the conversation includes long stretches of Dan and John exchanging news about classmates with whom I was not acquainted, or only barely so, That makes for a pretty boring time. But this time there was little, if any of that. So it worked out well, and I was home in good time.

* In college, John B was a member of the a cappella octet called The Chimes. I only caught the allusion after I wrote "chimed in."

My 50th College Reunion

Perhaps European universities don't have something similar, but in the U.S. colleges and universities hold reunions for alumni who graduated in multiples of 5 years previously.

I was glad to be back at my university and see a good number of my classmates from 50 years ago. A couple of them, Dan and John, live nearby and I've had dinner with them every couple of years over the last 15 years or so. Together with Dave and their wives we formed a group who tended to hang out together, usually as part of larger groups. For example, Thursday evening we joined Barry*, his wife, and Art — who are from Cincinnati — for dinner at a nearby restaurant; and on Saturday all of us from that dinner were about half the group at a luncheon hosted by Brendan and his wife at their home.

*Barry (left in the above picture, with his wife) is the guy I was most in love with during my college days. Of course, I've never told him that. And although it was pleasant to see him, I'm no longer in love and the feelings were not reawakened. (His hair was dark brown 50 years ago.)

In addition to those side parties, there were official functions for the Class of 1964 as well as events for alumni from all the returning classes. The class functions included a reception Thursday evening (which Dan, John, Dave, and I went to before dinner with Barry); a breakfast Friday morning; a gathering Friday evening at which we were awarded 50-year medallions, preceded by a reception and followed by a fancy dinner; another reception and dinner on Saturday evening; a brunch on Sunday; and, since it's a Catholic institution, a reunion Mass Saturday evening.

Friday evening dinner scene

Classmate wearing the medallion we were given

At all of the events (except during Mass), there was time to chat with classmates. There were some, like Barry and Brendan, Jim — a roommate — and others, whom I had been friendly with during my college days. It was nice to be able to see them again, to "catch up" and basically to reaffirm out friendship. There were others whom I hardly knew (or didn't know at all) back then but who were enjoyable to chat with and become acquainted. Then there were classmates I'd have liked to see, but who didn't attend. (So if you're ever wondering about attending a class reunion, my advice is to do it. You'll probably enjoy it, and there will be people there who'd like to see you.)

For returnees of all classes, there was a Memorial Mass for deceased classmates on Saturday morning and a Reunion Mass on Sunday morning. There were also numerous panel discussions on various topics, campus tours, special-interest gatherings, events for children of alumni, etc. I attended all three Masses, a lunch which featured an alumna who is big at Goldman Sachs as speaker, and a couple of panels: one about a professor who was later recognized as a genuine hero of the underground attempts to stop the Nazi Holocaust of the Jews; the other about the history of the university, with my senior year roommate as a participant — we were able to chat and catch up afterwards. I would have liked to go to a discussion about the Church in the 21st Century, but the luncheon at Brendan's conflicted with it.

Both Saturday and Sunday mornings I got to campus early enough to take a lot of pictures, mostly of buildings I lived in and of the chapel. But there has been a lot of construction on campus during the past 50 years, some of it quite attractive, and a number of new buildings were part of my pictures of the older ones. When I got home I also took pictures of my "loot."

50 year medallion and lapel pin, reunion booklet, name tag & pin with yearbook photo, lapel pin for giving to alumni fund (fundraising is a major purpose — or at least ulterior motive — of reunions). 

There was also a larger booklet with updates from classmates who chose to contribute something. Interesting reading. One classmate mentioned becoming involved in ministry to gay Catholics around 1980. I had a chance to speak briefly to him and congratulate him on it. I commented that the Church is still figuring things out with regard to homosexuality, and he agreed. (Not that I think we're about to say that gay sex is okay, but there are issues such as same-sex adoption and parenting, dealing with same-sex civil marriage, celibate partnerships, ways of welcoming non-closeted gays into active participation in the Church.) Although I'd be willing to come out to my trusted friends in the Class of '64, I still need to be officially in the closet, so I'd never put something of the sort in a booklet for all to read.

The booklet asked for our favorite memory of our college days. At Brendan's luncheon, with several Bananas present, I realized that my favorite memory actually came after graduation and wasn't at the university. It was the Bananas Reunion I attended the following September (even though Barry wasn't there). 

Most of my classmates seem to have made lots more money than I have, and it's not uncommon for them to have winter homes in the south. It's easy to feel slightly out of place among them when they get to talking about those things. But objectively, I'm pretty well off, compared to most of the world, and comfortable by American standards; and if my career isn't what I had hoped for, it still has been a pretty good 50 years since graduation.

Another Pleasant Evening ~or~ They Won't Let Me Come Out

In my previous post, I mentioned that I was going to have dinner with a couple of college classmates (former Bananas) and their respective wives. We spent a pleasant three hours plus at a restaurant in the town where my grandfather lived when I was a pre-teenager. The guy who I met for lunch ("Dan") a couple of months ago is the one who arranged this get together, and he chose the location because it would be convenient for the other couple. It's about an hour's drive from my home, and he was surprised to learn that I knew my way to the town, since we had come there frequently when my grandfather lived there.

Anyway, it was a nice restaurant and we talked a lot about families (the second guy's ("John") "immediate family" — children, spouses, grandchildren — numbers about 24), classmates, and our doings. John's wfe's brother is a missionary priest, and there was a lot to tell about that. John and his wife spend three months a year in Florida. Dan is slowly retiring from work as a public defender. Dan and his wife had considered going the the one-man "Moby Dick" I had attended, and I told them it it was quite good, and "Angel Reapers" — a play with dancing or a dance performance with words, about the Shakers — was good too. Unfortunately, it didn't occur to me to mention that I had been very moved by "The Laramie Project" a year earlier. Dan got me to tell about my trip to Ireland last year, including the accidents. At one point someone asked if anything else interesting happened, and I was debating whether to tell about the lad in Claremorris who admired my hat and wanted it and said he'd suck me off for it. It might somehow broach the topic of homosexuality, but it was questionable for mixed company. I hesitated too long, and someone began another topic. At another point, I was ready to start talking about my blog, but as I drew a breath someone had something else to talk about.

So, it felt almost as if they were — unconsciously — preventing me from steering the conversation toward the topic of my orientation. Even at one point, John said something that might have led to talking about homosexuality, but it didn't go that way. Maybe God doesn't want me to tell them. LOL Well, Dan picked up the check, so now I've got to invite them to dinner (and John owes us, too — or at least he owes Dan). So there should be another chance before too many years go by.

Twenty years ago, probably ten years ago, I never would have considered coming out to them. But now I feel safe about it (but not safe enough to avoid the momentary hesitations which let the occasions pass) and somehow I want them to know, for it to be not just something they can figure out for themselves but an acknowledged fact. I think seeing how attitudes in society have changed has helped change my feelings about it as has my experience in blogging — both reading what others say and writing openly about myself. I'm not afraid that they will reject me.

But out or not, this is an example of the sort of friendly interaction a celibate gay guy can have. And it may well be that if I had not been so shy, I could have enjoyed a lot more interaction with these people over the years, but I allowed our get togethers to become very sporadic. So my advice is that shy guys cultivate friendships, especially with straight people. It can be relaxing to be in a situation where there is no sexual undercurrent; and for someone who is celibate it's good to have some real friends.

Epilogue: As we were leaving the restaurant, I tried to tell Dan quietly about the lad in Claremorris and his offer for my hat, but John's wife was close enough to hear and was paying attention. So when John asked what the story was, Dan said his wife could tell him.