Trying to Come Out

Today I had lunch with a college (uni, to you non-Americans) classmate, one of the Bananas. I hadn't seen him for about three years.

He asked about what I've been doing, so I eventually mentioned spending time on the internet. Giving additional info, I explained that several years ago I followed a series of links and found myself among a group of mostly young, mostly Asian-American, mostly southern Californian gay guys, and I started commenting on their blogs. Eventually I decided to start my own blog where I could present my ideas in a more systematic way. Owing to my procrastination, the presentation has been sporadic at best. And at that point he moved on to another topic.

I suppose I can metaphorically see the figurative glass as half full. I broached the subject of gay guys, and he didn't react with disgust, along the lines of "Why would you want to be in contact with them?!!!" But I was hoping that he would have followed up a little bit and allowed the conversation to get to the point where I'd have been able to confirm what I think he must have suspected. Why must he have suspected? There was a time when we were in college when a bunch of us were going somewhere in a car, and he reached over and stroked my cheek up and down with the back of his fingers while remarking how smooth my skin was. I didn't move because I was pleased at the contact. He then suggested that I might be gay since I let him do that without protest. I said that I was too surprised to react and pointed out that he was the one who did something. End of conversation. But I wondered if he had suspected and had been testing me. Now I also wonder why he would have done it. Did he have conscious or unconscious feelings for me and this was a clumsy way of "testing the water?" Well, nothing ever came of it, but I also find it interesting that he only married his girlfriend of many years when they were in their fifties. So it turns out it's more than just that I'd like to be out to him, but I also want it to be safe for him to come out to me if he's also homosexual.

I might add that, as those who have been around for a while know, things are always changing in the blogosphere. Some of that original group that I found are still blogging and some have stopped. But meanwhile I've met a lot of other bloggers from all over, and I'm glad to know most of them. The underlying purpose of the blog has stayed the same, but the tone may have changed as I also use it as a way of keeping in contact with some very nice people and of trying to encourage some people who are going through rough patches.