Monastery and College 2023

In 2023 I visited the St. Anselm campus several times, twice for my usual retreats/visits to the monastic community, twice for events related to the Institute for the Humanities and a scholarship I had funded, and once for a funeral. I'll report on them in chronological order.

April 24 Over the winter I had funded a scholarship to be awarded to a junior at the college for a senior project. It's named the […] Scholarship for 18th Century Studies in honor of my father. He would occasionally say at dinner that if he could live at any other time he'd choose the 18th Century "because there was a ferment of ideas." On April 23 each year the English Department hosts a reading of Shakespeare's sonnets — this year on the 24th because the 23rd of April was a Sunday.The decision was made to announce the winner of my scholarship on that day, and I was invited to read a sonnet, which I did. Then the winner of the scholarship was announced. She had proposed investigating whether the 18th Century philosophers had contributedto sexism. I drove to and from the event on the same day: a 125 mile round trip.

July 6 I attended the funeral of Bishop Joseph Gerry, O.S. B., who had died on July 2, the 75th anniversary of his joining the order. https://www.saintanselmabbey.org/about/anselmian-hub/news/bishop-joseph-gerry-osb-called-eternal-life He was Prior of the monastery at the time I was considering joining. He was pleasant and affable, highly intelligent, and a good writer and preacher.

July 7-12 My summer visit had been scheduled well in advance of Bishop Joseph's death, so I returned to the abbey the following day. I had brought several books with me: I Heard God Laugh, by Matthew Kelley, a prolific popular writer on spiritual topics; Jesus and the Jewish Roots of the Eucharist, a more serious book about Old Testament events and practices which illuminate the Lord's Supper, by Brant Pitre; and fo relaxation Murder in Marblehead, about an event in 1950 which was thoroughly investigated, but never officially solved. All three books were good reading. My notes on Kelley include the points that changing our habits can change us, that when we pray we should ask God, "What do you think I should do?" and that "the only thing worse than not knowing God is … believing things about God that are not true," which can "prevent us from really getting to know God," and that we burden ourselves with things and activities we don't need. His overall point is that we should make a habit of praying daily. Of course, I also enjoyed visiting with the monks at recreation and at the festive meals where talking was allowed rather than silence during table reading.

July 28 was the day of the dedication of the Gregory J Grappone Institute for the Humanities building. I had read in the alumni magazine a year earlier about the Institute and was very enthusiastic about it. That lead to discussions with the director of the Institute and a member of the college's Development Office about creating my scholarship as a part of the Institute, which I did with their encouragement. So I was invited to attend the dedication and was recognized as the donor of the scholarship. I hope that this will encourage others who can support the mission of the Institute to do so. https://www.anselm.edu/about/offices-centers-institutes/centers-institutes/gregory-j-grappone-04-humanities-institute/about I feel very strongly that the humanities/liberal arts should be the foundation of college education, and that this initiative — which goes counter to the trend at many universities and colleges to drop liberal arts in favor of what call "vocational" studies — should be supported.

December 4-8 was my winter visit/retreat. I had been scheduled to arrive on Sunday the 3rd, but I was too slow getting packed and ready to go, and by the time I was ready, I'd have been driving in the dark. At my age I find that glare from oncoming traffic can be a problem, so I avoid travel at night except on familiar roads around my home town. My spiritual reading included The Great Story of Israel, by Bishop Robert Barron, from which I read sections dealing with the books of Judges and Ruth; commentarries on the scripture readings assigned to December 10; and for recreation Cicero: The Life and Times of Rome's Greatest Politician, by Anthony Everitt, which I was reading on my Kindle. I also used my iPhone to keep up with e-mail and Facebook as well as to review the cruise down the Rhine which I had taken a couple of weeks earlier. Bishop Barron had some good insights on several passages in Judges which deal with very violent events. My late arrival meant that I missed the festive Sunday evening dinner and theKP which follows it. Recreation the four evenings I was there was mainly with a fairly stable group of four or five playing 98, which was easy to get the hang of. Unfortunately, I had something of a cough, probably a result of getting seriously chilled during the Rhine cruise. I was popping cough drops during prayers in the church. The heavier breathing during chanting seemed to aggravate the cough, which has largely gone away over the past weeks. As usual, it was pleasant to visit and refocus.

My 50th College Reunion

Perhaps European universities don't have something similar, but in the U.S. colleges and universities hold reunions for alumni who graduated in multiples of 5 years previously.

I was glad to be back at my university and see a good number of my classmates from 50 years ago. A couple of them, Dan and John, live nearby and I've had dinner with them every couple of years over the last 15 years or so. Together with Dave and their wives we formed a group who tended to hang out together, usually as part of larger groups. For example, Thursday evening we joined Barry*, his wife, and Art — who are from Cincinnati — for dinner at a nearby restaurant; and on Saturday all of us from that dinner were about half the group at a luncheon hosted by Brendan and his wife at their home.

*Barry (left in the above picture, with his wife) is the guy I was most in love with during my college days. Of course, I've never told him that. And although it was pleasant to see him, I'm no longer in love and the feelings were not reawakened. (His hair was dark brown 50 years ago.)

In addition to those side parties, there were official functions for the Class of 1964 as well as events for alumni from all the returning classes. The class functions included a reception Thursday evening (which Dan, John, Dave, and I went to before dinner with Barry); a breakfast Friday morning; a gathering Friday evening at which we were awarded 50-year medallions, preceded by a reception and followed by a fancy dinner; another reception and dinner on Saturday evening; a brunch on Sunday; and, since it's a Catholic institution, a reunion Mass Saturday evening.

Friday evening dinner scene

Classmate wearing the medallion we were given

At all of the events (except during Mass), there was time to chat with classmates. There were some, like Barry and Brendan, Jim — a roommate — and others, whom I had been friendly with during my college days. It was nice to be able to see them again, to "catch up" and basically to reaffirm out friendship. There were others whom I hardly knew (or didn't know at all) back then but who were enjoyable to chat with and become acquainted. Then there were classmates I'd have liked to see, but who didn't attend. (So if you're ever wondering about attending a class reunion, my advice is to do it. You'll probably enjoy it, and there will be people there who'd like to see you.)

For returnees of all classes, there was a Memorial Mass for deceased classmates on Saturday morning and a Reunion Mass on Sunday morning. There were also numerous panel discussions on various topics, campus tours, special-interest gatherings, events for children of alumni, etc. I attended all three Masses, a lunch which featured an alumna who is big at Goldman Sachs as speaker, and a couple of panels: one about a professor who was later recognized as a genuine hero of the underground attempts to stop the Nazi Holocaust of the Jews; the other about the history of the university, with my senior year roommate as a participant — we were able to chat and catch up afterwards. I would have liked to go to a discussion about the Church in the 21st Century, but the luncheon at Brendan's conflicted with it.

Both Saturday and Sunday mornings I got to campus early enough to take a lot of pictures, mostly of buildings I lived in and of the chapel. But there has been a lot of construction on campus during the past 50 years, some of it quite attractive, and a number of new buildings were part of my pictures of the older ones. When I got home I also took pictures of my "loot."

50 year medallion and lapel pin, reunion booklet, name tag & pin with yearbook photo, lapel pin for giving to alumni fund (fundraising is a major purpose — or at least ulterior motive — of reunions). 

There was also a larger booklet with updates from classmates who chose to contribute something. Interesting reading. One classmate mentioned becoming involved in ministry to gay Catholics around 1980. I had a chance to speak briefly to him and congratulate him on it. I commented that the Church is still figuring things out with regard to homosexuality, and he agreed. (Not that I think we're about to say that gay sex is okay, but there are issues such as same-sex adoption and parenting, dealing with same-sex civil marriage, celibate partnerships, ways of welcoming non-closeted gays into active participation in the Church.) Although I'd be willing to come out to my trusted friends in the Class of '64, I still need to be officially in the closet, so I'd never put something of the sort in a booklet for all to read.

The booklet asked for our favorite memory of our college days. At Brendan's luncheon, with several Bananas present, I realized that my favorite memory actually came after graduation and wasn't at the university. It was the Bananas Reunion I attended the following September (even though Barry wasn't there). 

Most of my classmates seem to have made lots more money than I have, and it's not uncommon for them to have winter homes in the south. It's easy to feel slightly out of place among them when they get to talking about those things. But objectively, I'm pretty well off, compared to most of the world, and comfortable by American standards; and if my career isn't what I had hoped for, it still has been a pretty good 50 years since graduation.

Going to 50th Reunion

I'll be away for a few days, starting Thursday, while I attend my college class's 50th reunion this weekend. I expect to be back on Sunday, June 1st.

I don't take the internet with me when I travel, so I won't be in touch here while I'm away.

Catching Up

Actually, there haven't been a lot of events to write about since I did my post on February 8.

I went to the theater in Boston on February 13 to see "Red Eye to Havre de Grace," a play with music about the last days of Edgar Allan Poe (who, I was surprised to learn, was born and raised in Boston, the son of actors who had immigrated from England). It showed his impecuniousness, and his attempts to present his latest ideas about the origin and destiny of the universe, which he had spelled out in a book titled "Eureka." While there is, as the playwrights note, some slight foreshadowing of the Big Bang theory, mostly it came across as incomprehensible. On the lecture circuit, where he tried to present his theory, audiences were more interested in hearing him recite "The Raven," which he found very frustrating. All the while, he was haunted by the death of his wife. After a lecture in Philadelphia, he was supposed to go to New York, but he was seen headed south on the train going to Havre de Grace. Several days later he died in a hospital in Baltimore. It was fascinating to see the depiction of this unfold.

Amazingly, perhaps, I've only been to one concert during this time: the Boston Symphony on February 20. But the BSO has only given one other on a Thursday in that time, namely, "Salome" on March 6. I had a ticket for it but exchanged it for the concert on March 18, when they'll play Beethoven piano concertos and one of the Leonore overtures — part of a series which will include all 5 piano concertos, all 3 Leonore overtures, and the triple concerto. I'll get to all of them. As for the Harvard Musical Association, they had a concert on March 7, but I forgot about it until it would have been difficult to get there.

But I have been making plans. My 50th college reunion will be May 29-June 1 in D.C. I've registered for it and made my flight and hotel reservations. I've also made arrangements to spend June 23-27 at the monastery I thought of joining shortly after college. It will partly be a spiritual retreat, and partly a visit with my old friends. At some point in the summer, I'll go to PEI to visit my cousins and see some of the festivities marking the 150th anniversary of the Charlottetown Conference. And I'm very much looking forward to meeting (former?) fellow blogger Peter when he visits Boston for a Pops concert conducted by John Williams.

I went to the movies a couple of days ago and saw "12 Years a Slave." It's a powerful depiction of the evils of slavery in the pre Civil War South.

As I watched videos of Pete Seeger after his death, I came across a couple with Johnny Cash in them. Following links from those, I was reminded of the Carter Family. (Johnny Cash had married Maybelle Carter's daughter June.)I had first encountered the Carters' music through recordings of some of their songs by Joan Baez early in her career, and I had bought a couple of LP compilations of some of their songs. I started listening to videos of that music (audio, mostly, accompanied by pictures) and became really fascinated by them — so much so that I went to Amazon and bought three books about them, a set of 5 CD's of their earliest recordings, and a CD and vinyl LP of Sara and Maybelle. I even toyed with the idea of going to Virginia early in August to attend a couple of performances at the Carter Family Fold, but I don't think I can afford it this year, with all the other trips I have planned.

If you're interested in hearing what the Carter Family actually sounded like, here are some links.

Bury Me under the Weeping Willow, the first song they recorded. This may be a later recording of the song, but it gives the full flavor of what they could do. (Some of the accompanying photos, with children, are for a spread that was made for Life magazine in the fall of 1941. It was preempted by the attack on Pearl Harbor and never got published.) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YCniFuHlPG0

Wildwood Flower, which became one of the signature tunes for Maybelle and her daughters. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4xjqpARrHM

The Storms Are on the Ocean, the fourth song recorded the first day in Bristol, Tenn. (That's Jimmie Rodgers at the left in the photo, which dates from several years later.) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v-iXemfEkFw

The Poor Orphan Child, third song they recorded. I hadn't heard it until this year, and it became an earworm for me. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3-EkYhJR3gs

When the World's on Fire, with a tune that Woddy Guthrie later used for This Land Is Your Land. The Carters also used it for Little Darling Pal of Mine. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qxo-zayI6tE

Farther On, sung by Sara in about 1966-7 on a reunion album with Maybelle (but this is a solo by Sara, at age 69), nearly 40 years after the original recordings. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1OSxpkNHshw

You'll see links to lots of other videos. God Gave Noah (pron. Noay) the Rainbow Sign contains the line, "the fire next time." The later ones with Sara and Maybelle have their own interest. I find the 8 minute one especially interesting — it contains some reminiscences by Sara along with footage of the two performing.

More Memories of 51 Years Ago, with Reconsiderations

Ian's comment on my post of a couple of days ago has got me reconsidering how I thought about Tom and about myself. What was the difference between Tom, so self-assured, and me, so worried?

I don't think it had to do with being sexually active. Could it be that he hadn't become aware of his orientation? I hadn't been aware of mine until the end of my junior year in high school, and it was only specific words from a classmate which caused the realization to dawn. If that hadn't happened, I could have entered college blissfully unaware that I was homosexual. So why not Tom? In that case it wouldn't have felt at all amiss for him to seek to be as close as possible to me (or any other object of his affection), whereas I was constantly afraid of falling into sexual sin; and, as I explain below, my fears were at least somewhat exaggerated and misplaced.

That line of thinking is reinforced by something he said when he introduced himself to me. He explained that he had a gift for recognizing holiness in others. He had seen it in a fellow student at St. Joseph's Prep in Philadelphia and had become good friends with him. Now he recognized it in me. And  it was in that context that he raised the question of daily Mass attendance. While it is possible that it was actually holiness that he recognized, I think it's more likely that it was his gaydar which he misunderstood, just as I mistook my high school crushes for simple friendship. I'm sure that he was absolutely sincere in thinking it was an attraction to holiness that he felt.

But if, despite all that, he was also aware of his orientation, then he has to have had a different take on the nature of sin. He had had the benefit of four years of Jesuit teaching in high school, where I had only had an hour a week of religious instruction. So he would probably have had a much fuller explanation of what constituted sin than I had. At that point in my life, I was very badly afflicted with scrupulosity (see also here and here). As a result, I was very much focused on avoiding sin. Perhaps even more important, I was unclear on distinguishing temptation from sin and I was unaware that sexual desire, as part of human nature, is morally neutral in itself, even though it gives rise to plenty of temptations. (This other post may also help explain my thinking at that stage.) As a result, I felt I should be suppressing all my sexual feelings as a way of avoiding temptation. Tom, on the other hand, may have already learned that it is both impossible and unnecessary to suppress sexual feelings. He may have known what I didn't learn until much later, that an intimate friendship which does not include actual sexual activity is not wrong. (Hence he saw nothing wrong in having his bed touching his roommate's.)

What if I were to meet a "Tom" today? Well, the thing is, I didn't find him especially attractive, although he was okay as a friend until he got too clinging and I got worried. But suppose there were some degree of mutuality in the attraction? If there were no more to it that, I think I'd be willing to enter into a close friendship, with the intention of keeping overt sexual activity out of it. Or suppose the feelings were of friendship without a real sexual component. Suppose I just liked the guy. Well, that's what I have with Zack, whom I hung out with several times when he lived in eastern Massachusetts and who has visited me several times since he moved away.

Happy Thanksgiving! and Memories of 51 Years Ago

Happy Thanksgiving

I've posted about Thanksgiving four times in the past three years. You can read about what my traditional Thanksgiving dinner was like. In the earliest post, you can also find links to two settings of the Te Deum, the ancient Catholic hymn of thanksgiving. Our parish's Mass for Thanksgiving will, regrettably, not include any version of the Te Deum. (If I were a priest …)

This year, my brother and I will again be going to the friends' who hosted us last year.* So all I need to do is have food for the remainder of the weekend, which is hardly more than my weekly routine. I'll bake a couple of pies — mince for my brother, pumpkin for me. On Friday, we'll attend the matinee concert of the Boston Symphony (music by, Mozart, and Beethoven — eventually I'll post more about it on my music blog). There is also a social evening at the Harvard Musical Association that evening. I'll try to talk my brother into going to that as well. If we do that, it means eating at a restaurant Friday evening: one less meal for me to prepare.

Anyway, I wish you all a very good day, and a Happy Thanksgiving to all who observe the holiday.

*As I was writing the next section of this post, I got a call from our hostess. Her son was in an accident near New Haven and may decide to go back to New York. If that happens, our host and hostess will bring the dinner down to them. I'm not going to try to get a turkey, just in case. Fortunately, I have some frozen shrimp, so I can put on a very tasty, if thoroughly non-traditional dinner if I have to.


Memories of 51 Years Ago

In the autumn of 1961, I was in my sophomore year of college (or university, as you Europeans say). Early in the semester, a freshman introduced himself to me. I'll call him "Tom." He asked me if I went to Mass every day. I told him that I didn't, and he asked why? After all, there was (according to our faith) the supreme act of worship, in which we were privileged to receive the very Body and Blood of Jesus himself, for the forgiveness of our sins and the nourishing of our souls in grace; and the chapel was in the middle of the quadrangle behind the dormitory complex. I had to agree that not to go was a wasted opportunity and began a practice of daily Mass attendance which I continue to this day.

It soon became apparent to me that he was very much in love with me. For one example, I told him that I had a ticket for a concert downtown by the folk group The Weavers. He practically insisted that I get him a ticket also, which I did, but since the tickets had not been bought at the same time they were widely separated. Rather than sitting in his seat, he sat on the stairs next to my aisle seat.

Although I did not reciprocate his feelings, we were in some of the same organizations and were seen together often enough that people remarked on it. Since I was firmly closeted and he was obviously homosexual (to me anyway, and I thought, to others), I was not only uncomfortable with his clinginess but worried about what people would think. At one point I persuaded him to let me introduce him to the priest/counselor I had begun to see for help in overcoming my homosexual inclinations.  Eventually, he got a roommate who took his focus away from me, and although we had occasional contact, the closeness went away.

Before that happened, however, he invited me to stay overnight with him on my way home for Thanksgiving. He lived in Philadelphia and I lived in eastern Massachusetts. The train route from Washington, D.C. to Boston ran through Philadelphia. I could hardly refuse, or so it felt. So I agreed. At some point as the visit approached, he asked me a hypothetical question: if I were in a situation where another man and I had only one bed available, would I sleep in the bed with the other man. I said I wouldn't.

At his home, I learned in conversation that his parents were friendly with a law school classmate of my father's. I don't recall many details of my stay. What I do remember is that I had a bedroom to myself, and in the morning he took me to Mass at a convent of cloistered nuns. As I recall, we actually crossed a river to get there, so it was in a suburban area, I suppose. It was a very quiet and reverent Mass. Were we able to have breakfast afterwards in a guest dining room? The thought just came to me.

As I said, eventually, we became less close. The last real contact I remember was when I wrote him to tell him I was entering the monastery. He wrote back to suggest that it might not be wise given my sexual orientation. Maybe there were a few Christmas cards after that.

Some years ago, I bought an alumni directory of the university, and his name wasn't in it. Subsequent directories have also lacked his name. So I wonder what happened. Did he just break off contact with the university? Did he die? I'd like to know but don't know any way to find out.

For many years, in the autumn, when the weather was like that at the time of my visit to Philadelphia, I've thought of Tom and hoped he's okay, whether in this life or the next.

Trying to Come Out

Today I had lunch with a college (uni, to you non-Americans) classmate, one of the Bananas. I hadn't seen him for about three years.

He asked about what I've been doing, so I eventually mentioned spending time on the internet. Giving additional info, I explained that several years ago I followed a series of links and found myself among a group of mostly young, mostly Asian-American, mostly southern Californian gay guys, and I started commenting on their blogs. Eventually I decided to start my own blog where I could present my ideas in a more systematic way. Owing to my procrastination, the presentation has been sporadic at best. And at that point he moved on to another topic.

I suppose I can metaphorically see the figurative glass as half full. I broached the subject of gay guys, and he didn't react with disgust, along the lines of "Why would you want to be in contact with them?!!!" But I was hoping that he would have followed up a little bit and allowed the conversation to get to the point where I'd have been able to confirm what I think he must have suspected. Why must he have suspected? There was a time when we were in college when a bunch of us were going somewhere in a car, and he reached over and stroked my cheek up and down with the back of his fingers while remarking how smooth my skin was. I didn't move because I was pleased at the contact. He then suggested that I might be gay since I let him do that without protest. I said that I was too surprised to react and pointed out that he was the one who did something. End of conversation. But I wondered if he had suspected and had been testing me. Now I also wonder why he would have done it. Did he have conscious or unconscious feelings for me and this was a clumsy way of "testing the water?" Well, nothing ever came of it, but I also find it interesting that he only married his girlfriend of many years when they were in their fifties. So it turns out it's more than just that I'd like to be out to him, but I also want it to be safe for him to come out to me if he's also homosexual.

I might add that, as those who have been around for a while know, things are always changing in the blogosphere. Some of that original group that I found are still blogging and some have stopped. But meanwhile I've met a lot of other bloggers from all over, and I'm glad to know most of them. The underlying purpose of the blog has stayed the same, but the tone may have changed as I also use it as a way of keeping in contact with some very nice people and of trying to encourage some people who are going through rough patches.

Out at College — Not!

     A couple of weeks ago Gauss Jordan made a post titled "Out @ College – Recapped" in which he told of a weekend at his old alma mater (I think he graduated about 5 years ago) with a bunch of friends from his college days. Over the course of the weekend he came out to them, and they were cool with it.

     It got me thinking about how things have changed since the early '60's. No doubt if someone were to come out while still in college today, in most cases the reaction of friends would be similar to what Gauss Jordan got, although maybe the wider community would not all be so welcoming. But I asked myself what would have happened if I had come out to all my friends in college, and the answer is that I think it would have been a disaster. I did come out to a guy I had a crush on who was pressuring me to room with him and demanded an explanation why I wouldn't. And I came out to a gay guy in the class behind me who had latched onto me. And I came out to the priest I went to to try to get help. But that was it.

     There was a guy who got elected to Student Council freshman year, who had effeminate speech mannerisms, and he was consistently mocked in the weekly campus paper. He dropped out of the college after the year was over.

     One of my friends asked my roommate sophomore year, "Do you think Naturgesetz is queer?" and the roommate answered, "No. He's just not interested in girls." Well I wasn't queer in the sense of having sex with guys, but I was in the sense of being interested in them; and I don't think people would have been comfortable around me if they had known that. I'm sure I never would have been invited to the Bananas' reunion that I wrote about last year

     And if I had come out to them five years after graduation, I don't think they'd have been as cool with it as Gauss Jordan's friends. Maybe it was something they suspected, or knew at an unconscious level. But it was not something to bring out into the open.

     Today, if an occasion arose, I might actually tell the ones I've been in sporadic contact with, and I think they'd be okay. But those of you who are under 30 are really lucky to be living at a time when large segments of society are accepting of homosexuals. You don't have to come out unless you want to, but you don't have to stay in the closet either. You can get support if, like me, you believe that you ought to remain celibate. There are groups that help you deal with issues that you face. And if, despite my advice and urging, you decide to enter a sexual relationship, you don't have to skulk around in the shadows.