My 50th College Reunion

Perhaps European universities don't have something similar, but in the U.S. colleges and universities hold reunions for alumni who graduated in multiples of 5 years previously.

I was glad to be back at my university and see a good number of my classmates from 50 years ago. A couple of them, Dan and John, live nearby and I've had dinner with them every couple of years over the last 15 years or so. Together with Dave and their wives we formed a group who tended to hang out together, usually as part of larger groups. For example, Thursday evening we joined Barry*, his wife, and Art — who are from Cincinnati — for dinner at a nearby restaurant; and on Saturday all of us from that dinner were about half the group at a luncheon hosted by Brendan and his wife at their home.

*Barry (left in the above picture, with his wife) is the guy I was most in love with during my college days. Of course, I've never told him that. And although it was pleasant to see him, I'm no longer in love and the feelings were not reawakened. (His hair was dark brown 50 years ago.)

In addition to those side parties, there were official functions for the Class of 1964 as well as events for alumni from all the returning classes. The class functions included a reception Thursday evening (which Dan, John, Dave, and I went to before dinner with Barry); a breakfast Friday morning; a gathering Friday evening at which we were awarded 50-year medallions, preceded by a reception and followed by a fancy dinner; another reception and dinner on Saturday evening; a brunch on Sunday; and, since it's a Catholic institution, a reunion Mass Saturday evening.

Friday evening dinner scene

Classmate wearing the medallion we were given

At all of the events (except during Mass), there was time to chat with classmates. There were some, like Barry and Brendan, Jim — a roommate — and others, whom I had been friendly with during my college days. It was nice to be able to see them again, to "catch up" and basically to reaffirm out friendship. There were others whom I hardly knew (or didn't know at all) back then but who were enjoyable to chat with and become acquainted. Then there were classmates I'd have liked to see, but who didn't attend. (So if you're ever wondering about attending a class reunion, my advice is to do it. You'll probably enjoy it, and there will be people there who'd like to see you.)

For returnees of all classes, there was a Memorial Mass for deceased classmates on Saturday morning and a Reunion Mass on Sunday morning. There were also numerous panel discussions on various topics, campus tours, special-interest gatherings, events for children of alumni, etc. I attended all three Masses, a lunch which featured an alumna who is big at Goldman Sachs as speaker, and a couple of panels: one about a professor who was later recognized as a genuine hero of the underground attempts to stop the Nazi Holocaust of the Jews; the other about the history of the university, with my senior year roommate as a participant — we were able to chat and catch up afterwards. I would have liked to go to a discussion about the Church in the 21st Century, but the luncheon at Brendan's conflicted with it.

Both Saturday and Sunday mornings I got to campus early enough to take a lot of pictures, mostly of buildings I lived in and of the chapel. But there has been a lot of construction on campus during the past 50 years, some of it quite attractive, and a number of new buildings were part of my pictures of the older ones. When I got home I also took pictures of my "loot."

50 year medallion and lapel pin, reunion booklet, name tag & pin with yearbook photo, lapel pin for giving to alumni fund (fundraising is a major purpose — or at least ulterior motive — of reunions). 

There was also a larger booklet with updates from classmates who chose to contribute something. Interesting reading. One classmate mentioned becoming involved in ministry to gay Catholics around 1980. I had a chance to speak briefly to him and congratulate him on it. I commented that the Church is still figuring things out with regard to homosexuality, and he agreed. (Not that I think we're about to say that gay sex is okay, but there are issues such as same-sex adoption and parenting, dealing with same-sex civil marriage, celibate partnerships, ways of welcoming non-closeted gays into active participation in the Church.) Although I'd be willing to come out to my trusted friends in the Class of '64, I still need to be officially in the closet, so I'd never put something of the sort in a booklet for all to read.

The booklet asked for our favorite memory of our college days. At Brendan's luncheon, with several Bananas present, I realized that my favorite memory actually came after graduation and wasn't at the university. It was the Bananas Reunion I attended the following September (even though Barry wasn't there). 

Most of my classmates seem to have made lots more money than I have, and it's not uncommon for them to have winter homes in the south. It's easy to feel slightly out of place among them when they get to talking about those things. But objectively, I'm pretty well off, compared to most of the world, and comfortable by American standards; and if my career isn't what I had hoped for, it still has been a pretty good 50 years since graduation.

Another Pleasant Evening ~or~ They Won't Let Me Come Out

In my previous post, I mentioned that I was going to have dinner with a couple of college classmates (former Bananas) and their respective wives. We spent a pleasant three hours plus at a restaurant in the town where my grandfather lived when I was a pre-teenager. The guy who I met for lunch ("Dan") a couple of months ago is the one who arranged this get together, and he chose the location because it would be convenient for the other couple. It's about an hour's drive from my home, and he was surprised to learn that I knew my way to the town, since we had come there frequently when my grandfather lived there.

Anyway, it was a nice restaurant and we talked a lot about families (the second guy's ("John") "immediate family" — children, spouses, grandchildren — numbers about 24), classmates, and our doings. John's wfe's brother is a missionary priest, and there was a lot to tell about that. John and his wife spend three months a year in Florida. Dan is slowly retiring from work as a public defender. Dan and his wife had considered going the the one-man "Moby Dick" I had attended, and I told them it it was quite good, and "Angel Reapers" — a play with dancing or a dance performance with words, about the Shakers — was good too. Unfortunately, it didn't occur to me to mention that I had been very moved by "The Laramie Project" a year earlier. Dan got me to tell about my trip to Ireland last year, including the accidents. At one point someone asked if anything else interesting happened, and I was debating whether to tell about the lad in Claremorris who admired my hat and wanted it and said he'd suck me off for it. It might somehow broach the topic of homosexuality, but it was questionable for mixed company. I hesitated too long, and someone began another topic. At another point, I was ready to start talking about my blog, but as I drew a breath someone had something else to talk about.

So, it felt almost as if they were — unconsciously — preventing me from steering the conversation toward the topic of my orientation. Even at one point, John said something that might have led to talking about homosexuality, but it didn't go that way. Maybe God doesn't want me to tell them. LOL Well, Dan picked up the check, so now I've got to invite them to dinner (and John owes us, too — or at least he owes Dan). So there should be another chance before too many years go by.

Twenty years ago, probably ten years ago, I never would have considered coming out to them. But now I feel safe about it (but not safe enough to avoid the momentary hesitations which let the occasions pass) and somehow I want them to know, for it to be not just something they can figure out for themselves but an acknowledged fact. I think seeing how attitudes in society have changed has helped change my feelings about it as has my experience in blogging — both reading what others say and writing openly about myself. I'm not afraid that they will reject me.

But out or not, this is an example of the sort of friendly interaction a celibate gay guy can have. And it may well be that if I had not been so shy, I could have enjoyed a lot more interaction with these people over the years, but I allowed our get togethers to become very sporadic. So my advice is that shy guys cultivate friendships, especially with straight people. It can be relaxing to be in a situation where there is no sexual undercurrent; and for someone who is celibate it's good to have some real friends.

Epilogue: As we were leaving the restaurant, I tried to tell Dan quietly about the lad in Claremorris and his offer for my hat, but John's wife was close enough to hear and was paying attention. So when John asked what the story was, Dan said his wife could tell him.

Trying to Come Out

Today I had lunch with a college (uni, to you non-Americans) classmate, one of the Bananas. I hadn't seen him for about three years.

He asked about what I've been doing, so I eventually mentioned spending time on the internet. Giving additional info, I explained that several years ago I followed a series of links and found myself among a group of mostly young, mostly Asian-American, mostly southern Californian gay guys, and I started commenting on their blogs. Eventually I decided to start my own blog where I could present my ideas in a more systematic way. Owing to my procrastination, the presentation has been sporadic at best. And at that point he moved on to another topic.

I suppose I can metaphorically see the figurative glass as half full. I broached the subject of gay guys, and he didn't react with disgust, along the lines of "Why would you want to be in contact with them?!!!" But I was hoping that he would have followed up a little bit and allowed the conversation to get to the point where I'd have been able to confirm what I think he must have suspected. Why must he have suspected? There was a time when we were in college when a bunch of us were going somewhere in a car, and he reached over and stroked my cheek up and down with the back of his fingers while remarking how smooth my skin was. I didn't move because I was pleased at the contact. He then suggested that I might be gay since I let him do that without protest. I said that I was too surprised to react and pointed out that he was the one who did something. End of conversation. But I wondered if he had suspected and had been testing me. Now I also wonder why he would have done it. Did he have conscious or unconscious feelings for me and this was a clumsy way of "testing the water?" Well, nothing ever came of it, but I also find it interesting that he only married his girlfriend of many years when they were in their fifties. So it turns out it's more than just that I'd like to be out to him, but I also want it to be safe for him to come out to me if he's also homosexual.

I might add that, as those who have been around for a while know, things are always changing in the blogosphere. Some of that original group that I found are still blogging and some have stopped. But meanwhile I've met a lot of other bloggers from all over, and I'm glad to know most of them. The underlying purpose of the blog has stayed the same, but the tone may have changed as I also use it as a way of keeping in contact with some very nice people and of trying to encourage some people who are going through rough patches.

Out at College — Not!

     A couple of weeks ago Gauss Jordan made a post titled "Out @ College – Recapped" in which he told of a weekend at his old alma mater (I think he graduated about 5 years ago) with a bunch of friends from his college days. Over the course of the weekend he came out to them, and they were cool with it.

     It got me thinking about how things have changed since the early '60's. No doubt if someone were to come out while still in college today, in most cases the reaction of friends would be similar to what Gauss Jordan got, although maybe the wider community would not all be so welcoming. But I asked myself what would have happened if I had come out to all my friends in college, and the answer is that I think it would have been a disaster. I did come out to a guy I had a crush on who was pressuring me to room with him and demanded an explanation why I wouldn't. And I came out to a gay guy in the class behind me who had latched onto me. And I came out to the priest I went to to try to get help. But that was it.

     There was a guy who got elected to Student Council freshman year, who had effeminate speech mannerisms, and he was consistently mocked in the weekly campus paper. He dropped out of the college after the year was over.

     One of my friends asked my roommate sophomore year, "Do you think Naturgesetz is queer?" and the roommate answered, "No. He's just not interested in girls." Well I wasn't queer in the sense of having sex with guys, but I was in the sense of being interested in them; and I don't think people would have been comfortable around me if they had known that. I'm sure I never would have been invited to the Bananas' reunion that I wrote about last year

     And if I had come out to them five years after graduation, I don't think they'd have been as cool with it as Gauss Jordan's friends. Maybe it was something they suspected, or knew at an unconscious level. But it was not something to bring out into the open.

     Today, if an occasion arose, I might actually tell the ones I've been in sporadic contact with, and I think they'd be okay. But those of you who are under 30 are really lucky to be living at a time when large segments of society are accepting of homosexuals. You don't have to come out unless you want to, but you don't have to stay in the closet either. You can get support if, like me, you believe that you ought to remain celibate. There are groups that help you deal with issues that you face. And if, despite my advice and urging, you decide to enter a sexual relationship, you don't have to skulk around in the shadows.

Bananas

,To keep your interest up while I write something fresh, here's something I e-mailed a couple of friends a month ago.

In college there was a fairly active intramural sports program, in which I never participated. Basketball was the primary sport. A group of my classmates formed a team which they called the Bananas. Several of the members were fairly close acquaintances of mine, a couple of others were guys I was really attracted to, and others were people I had little contact with and didn't care about, although I knew who they were.

At some point in the time around graduation, the acquaintance I was closest to ("Dan") invited me to join the group for their Bananas Reunion at "Dave's" family's cottage on the lake in upstate New York in early September. Dave was the one I was second most attracted to in the group. The guy I was most attracted to couldn't make it because he had started work, but most of them were going on to law school or med school, so they were still free.

Dan drove me out there, and the scenery in New York was probably the most beautiful I had seen. The weather was ideal. We swam, water skied, went into town for lunch with Dave's family. Just to be with people I liked under such circumstances and to realize that they liked me was, to borrow a phrase from John Denver, almost heaven. I don't know if I consciously wanted some physical contact of the arm-around-the-shoulder type. I certainly did not want sex with any of them. I'm sure I would have liked it to continue longer in the "I wish this could go on forever" sort of way. But when the couple of days came to an end, my feeling was joy at having been there, not sorrow that it was over.

It had taken four years of college for them to get to know me well enough to want me to join them at their reunion, even though I had been on good terms with several from freshman year. But I was quite shy, and I was always cautious to avoid outing myself, so it can't have been easy for them to get to know me. Unfortunately, after that there was no similar situation of a circle of friends with whom I could be a hanger-on until 20 years later (and that's a story for another occasion), and since the Bananas did not get together after that, no close long term friendship developed from it. Dan and I have been in sporadic touch, as have "John" and his wife (who really seems to care about me).

This may seem like pretty thin gruel, but that reunion is something I have always remembered as a beautiful time; and the realization that I had eventually become well enough liked by those guys that they wanted to include me in their group brought its own satisfaction.

Back then orientation was not something people asked each other about, as a rule, and there was less of a tendency to assume that straight-acting people without girlfriends were gay. For example, in my sophomore year, someone asked my roommate, "Do you think Naturgesetz is queer?" and he answered, "No, he's just not interested in girls."