Thursday evening I was having dinner at the yacht club where I help run sailboat races, and reading the book on Theology of the Body while I was waiting for each course to be delivered. There was a good-looking busboy, who removed some items when I was finished with them.
In the book I was reading passages on celibacy, specifically what Jesus calls being celibate "for the Kingdom of God." Celibacy is supposed to free the celibate to devote himself to the work of building the Kingdom. It is also supposed to be a sign to all of the condition of all in heaven where, as Jesus says, "they neither marry nor are given in marriage." So there is a renunciation of the good of marriage for the sake of a higher good, "living a transformed life of sincere self-giving…".
And as I left I began to question how the attraction I felt toward the busboy fit in with the meaning of celibacy. Was there something hollow in my celibacy if I indulged my desire to look at him? Have I really renounced sex "for the sake of the Kingdom of God?" Have I given myself to God?
On further thought, I think this passage from a bit earlier in the book is relevant: "The celibate vocation does not entail a change in human nature. A person who takes up the path of celibacy must still battle lust. A faithful life of celibacy — like a faithful marriage — requires the redemptive power of Christ. Like everyone else, the celibate person must submit his lusts to the power flowing from the redemption of the body."
So it's not surprising that I continue to find guys attractive. And I think it's important for anyone who is trying in any way to control his sexual activity to realize that it is unrealistic to expect not to find people attractive — indeed, it would probably be unhealthy to try to suppress sexual feelings completely. So for those who have decided that they are not going to have sex with other men — as well as those who are living in a monogamous relationship — you should understand that your decision does not keep you from being attracted to different guys, and these attractions don't mean that you have failed to live up to your decision. The question is whether you let them lead you to abandon your commitment.
I might add that celibacy does not equal solitude. Those of us who see celibacy as the moral choice for us are still called to love of neighbor, and we can certainly seek good friendships and interactions with others. And I think that what I'd really like with people like the busboy is some sort of friendly interaction (however brief), in some way to become a person to them, not just "table 4."
I'm not saying that I'm perfect by any means, but I'm saying that I think I have basically kept my commitment, even as I realize that I could be better in a number of ways. And I'm encouraging you to realize that it is possible to live such a way of life, and perhaps to be happier in it than I have been. But don't have unrealistic expectations of being free of sexual desires.
While I'm talking about restaurant staff, I can add that on Friday, before the performance of "Alexander's Feast"* I went to the restaurant where Seth the waiter worked. He wasn't there. I was waited on by a very pleasant young woman — the first time I had seen her. Toward the end of the dinner, I asked if Seth and Phil had left. She said Phil had left but Seth still worked there. So I hope to see him on some of the Fridays when I go to concerts in Boston.
* I posted about this on my music blog.
An der Grabstätte von Kronprinzessin Cecilie
1 week ago
6 comments:
You're in a good headspace.
Part of my therapy is rather than fighting unwanted thoughts, letting them come and not resisting them. Because when you fight something, it doesn't go away, it just stays there and gets stronger and harder to fight against. You learn to be okay with letting that be a part of you and then it doesn't become an issue at all. Unfortunately not everyone knows this or is willing to do it.
Just something random i thought i'd add. :P
Mirrorboy, thanks for the insightful comment.
I think you're right. Fighting unwanted thoughts does not get rid of them any more than holding on to them does. The only thing is to let them come and then think about something else. But thoughts will come, whether we want them or not.
"Human Nature" does not include Homosexuality, unless of course you mean our 'sinful, fallen nature' i.e. our inclination to sin.
True, your fleeting desire is a very human thing, but it is far from natural in the church's eyes.
The church would have you work on that, attempt to change yourself.
No, you are not 'sin' nor 'bad' because of a sexual desire for your own sex, but that desire is disordered in the same way as any other disorder, and should be, to the best of our ability, cured.
I don't believe that, of course, but the Church does.
Alex, I'm glad to see you here!
I'd like to qualify your phrase, "and should be, to the best of our ability, cured."
With respect to any possible obligation to seek a cure let me point out that the Bishops of the U.S. issued a Pastoral Message "Always Our Children," regarding homosexuals. In it they say, "You can help a homosexual person in two general ways. First, encourage him or her to cooperate with God's grace to live a chaste life. Second, concentrate on the person, not on the homosexual orientation itself. This implies respecting a person's freedom to choose or refuse therapy directed toward changing a homosexual orientation. Given the present state of medical and psychological knowledge, there is no guarantee that such therapy will succeed. Thus, there may be no obligation to undertake it, though some may find it helpful."
I have a link to the full document on my front page: "U. S. Bishops to parents of gays — 'Always Our Children'"
I don't fully understand your commitment or the scripture so these comments may not be quite on point, but I have to ask:
(1) Does God expect perfection? (2) Did not God in creating you endow you with the involuntarily disposition to find that young man attractive?
(3) You certainly had no intention to act on any of the feelings that unbidden may have entered your mind. Didn't this incident then merely serve to further manifest the strength of your commitment?
I don't see the cause of your concern.
I'm reminded of a deeply religious Jimmy Carter admitting that he lusted in his heart. He had no intention to either act on his feelings or betray his commitment to his marriage. He was merely acknowledging his humanity.
Ed
Ed, thanks for the comment. Those are very good questions.
(1) I don't think God requires perfection. He understands our weaknesses, and there is a difference between imperfection and sin. When we sin, he is always ready to forgive when we repent.
I think in heaven we will be perfect, but making us perfect is something that God does over our lifetime (and, I believe, beyond, in purgatory).
I think we should want to be perfect, even though we aren't there yet.
(2) God created me as a sexual being. How the attraction to other males gets in there, I'm not sure, but I think it's part of my imperfection, so I wouldn't attribute it directly to God. I think it's one of those things that exists in an imperfect world. But I don't think it's my fault that I'm attracted to males.
(3) I think that is a fair way of looking at it.
It is unreasonable for us to think we can stoop finding other people attractive, so ultimately I guess my immediate reaction to the juxtaposition of the material I was reading and me feelings for the busboy was mistaken. I think your take on it — that it illustrates the strength of my commitment is nearer the mark. But it is true that I can still be tempted.
Basically, I think you guys are right. This was really no big deal, and I shouldn't beat myself up over it. It's like a married guy who realizes that a waitress is attractive, but he doesn't try anything and goes home to his wife.
Thanks for the encouragement.
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