Over the approximately sixteen months that this sexagenarian has been reading blogs around here, it has come as something of a surprise how many fellow bloggers engage in sexual activity with people they have met only recently.
Of course, I was raised in the era before the "sexual revolution" of the 1960's and 70's, which seems to have brought about a widespread acceptance of the idea that sexual activity had no inherent connection to commitment. In effect it seems to be a philosophy of more or less unrestricted hedonism: as long as no one is hurt or coerced, one should maximize one's pleasure, or at least feel free to do so.
"Mike," who was born in 1965, once said, "I don't believe in sex on a first date: it's degrading." He got irritated when I suggested that the same could be said of sex on a second or third date. Even recognizing that absolutely casual sex was not right, he apparently saw no reason to restrict it to a loving, committed relationship.
Which brings up the question of love. I think often we use the word love when all we mean is sexual attraction. Genuine love, if it is to go beyond the sort of love of neighbor which Jews and Christians are commanded to have for everybody, seems to me to require a considerable degree of knowledge of the person loved — you can't love an unknown, even though you can find him (or her) attractive.
The reason I'm thinking and writing about all this is that in the olden days the sequence of events was attraction, courtship with developing love, commitment (i.e., marriage), sex. Now sex seems to be at the beginning of the courtship stage for many people who want a committed relationship. And I'm wondering if maybe introducing sex into the picture so soon undercuts the chances of developing love leading to a commitment which the old sequence gave. I'm not suggesting it's impossible, but I'm suggesting that when the greatest good of a relationship is already there at the beginning, there is not so much of an incentive to deepen the relationship. And without that goal to grow toward, the relationship is less likely to endure. JMO
An der Grabstätte von Kronprinzessin Cecilie
1 week ago
13 comments:
Naturgesetz,
I think it really does change the dynamics of relationships which is why I push for Gay Marriage with the Caveat of Abstinence before said gay marriage.
As you say, we can't love an unknown. Learning the intimate desires, habits and also limits of a partner adds to knowledge needed to develop love. For me, this is an essential part of the picture.
This does not mean that I advocate that we shag like rabbits. It is something between the two partners to decide. They have mutually to determine what suites them both. This process also adds to knowledge.
Thank you for your thoughts. They have become especially useful right now!
To be honest I would tend to agree you with you. If you go "All out" in the beginning, you tend to cheapen the whole experience.
The only times I have slept with someone first up, is when I am not interested in anything other than gratification, and even then I am totally honest about it..., know what I mean?
Octavius.
I agree with what you wrote in your post. These days instant gratification seems to be more prominent whether it be getting that Starbucks latte in a few seconds less or jumping in bed with the first hot guy you meet at a bar. I think that not getting to know the person before engaging in sex does have some impact on the relationship but to what degree I can't say.
really interesting post NG - I find it interesting that when sex does come at the beginning, or is even the purpose of meeting at all, then there appears to be no expectation of any kind of relationship. In fact, if the attraction deepens and expands, the fact that sex was at the start becomes problematic. I can't quite imagine sharing that level of intimacy with someone that I do not know very well, or essentially not at all. Or perhaps, maybe those encounters aren't really all that intimate when you break them down.
This has weighed on my mind a lot lately. The first time I ran into this mode of thinking was on a research trip to Canada a couple of years back when a friend posed the question "What if you get into a marriage only to find that you aren't compatible sexually?"
It's become a fear of mine, but I must say that the foundations of a relationship for me will always be more than sheer sexual pleasure.
for most people, sexual compatibility is a requisite. they believe they must "test drive the car before buying it." it make sense to me.
sex and love are two different things, lots of men like casual sex but also look for someone to love. I slept with my last bf within hours of meeting him, and we stayed together for over 20 years, so im not sure your thoughts always apply, though it may be true that some people now prefer open sex rather than being bothered with the whole relationship.
Ahhh, what a provocative topic, naturgesetz!
I may be 30 but I'm definitely an old soul and old-school on the subject.
Maybe it's because I believe in romance and love or maybe just don't trust guys, but I never, never, NEVER would sleep with a guy I just met. EVER!
I'm not looking to hook-up....at all! I'm hoping to meet someone for something a bit more meaningful and sex can complicate things.
I'd much rather get to know a guy first, feel safe around him, and then if there's still chemistry, go at it!
LOL
You know what I mean!
-Dean
I suppose I would have to agree with Callen. Some might feel that you'd have to try the goods before purchasing. And this is probably the normal accepted way on the London gay scene.
And what about outdoor cruising sex? That is no place to be reserved, and yes I have made friends down that avenue. Just a few short years ago in it's heyday on many hot summer nights on my local heath it was not deemed unusual at all to work one's way through 7 or 8 guys before deciding which one would get your cell phone number, or better still an invite to come back home. I'm hoping to do a blogging about that soon.
I think the old days of courtship have almost died out.
That first taste of lust and intimacy with a new conquest can sometimes seem to be like a testing ground for compatibility... like, could he be the one or perhaps another good close friend?
Myself and my partner have an open relationship but we are strong together, almost (worryingly) like one person... it's that strong.
Also I dont believe in arranged marriages. If you give in to parental and religious pressure by going down that road then prepare ye for a life of misery. It's amazing how many married men use gay cruising areas. Guys that were pressured into it by their families.
And as for abstinence... it doesn't exsist. The very word should be withdrawn from the dictionary. The sexual functions of the body are a natural human occurrence.
How can you possibly have abstinence before a possible gay marriage. I just cant get my head around that one!!!
Whether you have a partner or just very itchy fingers, your reproductive juice has to come out in the same way as say nasal pus or any other body waste matter.
So no I do not look down on people that like sex or intimacy on a first date.
D.
Mmmm sex,
If they're hot I'll take it lol.
But Im just a silly hoe (N)
Anyways, it was a good post, quite a insight into something I didn't really notice people talk about so often
Thanks for all the comments. I appreciate your sharing your thoughts on the topic.
For those who have suggested that you should know you're sexually compatible before making a commitment to a long term relationship, at what stage of the developing romance do you think it is advisable to establish that point? Before you become emotionally involved? After you know you're temperamentally and philosophically and culturally compatible? Early? Later? Can the relationship develop to a considerable degree without sexual activity?
And to those who expressed a view that sex need not imply any level of personal attachment, thanks for taking the time to express your take on the subject as well.
I'm especially pleased that this has given some of you food for thought.
I'll be off the internet for 10 days or so. When I get back, I'll look forward to seeing any further comments or discussion you may have left here in the meantime.
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