Retreat — March 2011 —No. 2

The scripture passages suggested by the director were Isaiah 30:19-21 (the text of which he printed on the sheet he gave us), or Psalm 63:1-4, Isaiah 55:1-6, Philippians 1:3-9, "or choose one of your favorite passages." Then came the two questions and the suggestion about paying attention to feelings and desires.

I chose Psalm 63:1-4.
"A psalm of David, when he was in the wilderness of Judah.
O God, you are my God — for you I long!
For you my body yearns; for you my soul thirsts,
Like a land parched, lifeless, and without water.
So I look to you in the sanctuary to see your power and glory.
For your love is better than life; my lips offer you worship!"

Answering the question, "What happened in [my] prayer?" I wrote, "I realized I really do want God, my attempt at prayer is genuine, and that God's love is 'steadfast'  I promise to keep on worshipping God." And in response to "How do I feel about it?" I said, "i feel reassured."

The next morning, during Morning Prayer, I prayed Psalm 80, which asks God to restore his people and uses the image of a vine which God transplanted from Egypt but which has now been broken down. I had always taken this in the obvious sense of referring to the troubles which beset God's people, the Church. But that morning I suddenly referred it to myself personally and thought,"I am the vine which has been broken and trampled*, which needs to be restored
*by wasting time, increasingly on sexually attractive imagery over the internet"
In other words, and more fully, my sins break me down, destroy the interior beauty and fruitfulness of life which God plans for me.
Next I came to Isaiah 12:1-6, which reassured me that God does promise [me] salvation. The image of water from the fountain of salvation is a symbol of the Holy Spirit.
And then Psalm 81, about rejoicing in the Lord, came as a call to fidelity.

I presented these thoughts to my director at our meeting that morning, and as we came to toward the end of it, he gave me two more sheets, one titled "Bringing Feelings to Prayer," and the other, "Behold."

"Bringing Feelings to Prayer" says:

Bringing Feelings to Prayer

• What am I really feeling?
• How do I feel about what I am feeling?
• What do I really want?
• How do I feel about what I want?
• What am I like right now?
• How do I feel about what I am like?

Notice God:

• What is God's attitude and feeling about:
• what I am feeling?
• what I am trying to do?
• what I want?
• what I am like?
• How does God see me at this very moment?
• How is God looking at me?
• How close is God right now?

Notice Myself Again:

• What do I want of God?
• Can I … Will I … ask for what I want?

Stay with the questions. Perhaps repeat them and allow them to become more and more concrete.

From Jean Gill from Presence: The Journal of Spiritual Directors International Volume 3, No. 1, January 1997

And "Behold" says:

Behold

Part 1:

Before every prayer, I petition that God behold me. I pray, "that you, O God, see me, feel me, hear me, and know what I am feeling." or "You, O Lord, know what is going on with me. I'm in your presence. Know what has happened with me today." I let God gaze upon me – in wonder and honor.

This is not that I perceive or feel God, but simply that God sees me, feels me, beholds me. It is like Psalm 139.

At this time: I present my feelings (positive and negative, the whole gamut of feelings) and just ask God to see me as I am.

Part 2:

If you, O God, behold me, give me the grace to behold you. Let me see you. Give me that grace.

Examen: twice a day

Where were you, O God this (morning) (afternoon) of my life?

The review of this period is like giving the TV clicker (remote control) over to God. God (Christ) has it and is in control. Give God some time to tell you about his presence. The grace is to see God's presence to you.

When I met with my regular spiritual director a couple of weeks after the retreat, I showed him these two papers, and he liked them so much that he made copies for himself — to use with other directees, I suppose.

BTW, when "Behold" says to do the Examen twice a day, I think that is meant for the duration of the retreat. I think for normal use it's enough to ask God where he was today. Not that there's anything wrong with reflecting on it more frequently.

My meeting with my retreat director ended with his suggesting three more passages for me to bring to prayer — Romans 8:18-30, Matthew 6:25-34, and Matthew 11:25-30. He also suggested that I should be gentle with myself in prayer and let God spoil me with his goodness and let the Spirit take me where the Spirit wants me to go.