Retreat — March 2011 —No. 3

Just a brief reminder: In the first two posts of this series, I told of arriving at the retreat house on the evening of Wednesday, March 23, meeting my director that evening, gaining some insights from praying some psalm verses, and meeting with my director Thursday morning. At that time he gave me the guides for prayer — which I copied in my recent post on the retreat — and suggested some scripture passages for me to read prayerfully. You can find my earlier posts on this retreat as well as the one in December, 2009, by clicking the topic "retreat" in the list in the left margin. The quotes in this post and the previous one come from the journal I kept during the retreat.

     After my meeting Thursday morning with my director, I noted that "it has been about me — making myself perfect." Theologically, the main problem with this is that we can't make ourselves perfect by ourselves. Whatever degree of perfection we attain is a gift from God. What we do is merely to accept and cooperate with his grace. Beyond that, in my case that desire for perfection was in fact a desire to be better than everybody else, and a belief that I could be — pride.

     That afternoon, in my "examen," asking where God was that morning, I saw that he showed me myself in the Psalm, he encouraged me through my director, and he gave me the beauty of the snow that had fallen.

     Later in the afternoon, bringing feelings to prayer, I felt "secure, having come in from the cold, hopeful after [my director's] encouragement, anxious about" my duties and responsibilities which I had left behind at home.

     In the evening I felt "neutral, blah, empty, lonely, longing" and I felt that these feelings were "not good." I was "discontented" with them. I wanted "friendship," with one of my fellow retreatants as an object. I was basically "pleased" that I wanted friendship but "ambivalent" as well. I thought I was like "a pressurized container." As for God, he feels "sympathetic;" sees me as "lost, emotionally pitiable;" looks at me "tenderly, compassionately; he is "right [there], but I [didn't] quite feel it." Finally, asking myself what I wanted, I answered, "friends, human affection."

     The following morning, Friday, March 25 (the Feast of the Annunciation in the church calendar, when the angel told Mary that she would be the mother of the Messiah), I brought my feelings to prayer again, using my director's guide. This time I felt "anxious because not measuring up to God's call;" I wanted a fruitful life of service to God and the gospel; and I saw myself as being like "a car stuck in the snow — spinning wheels & going nowhere." I thought God felt "sad that I [didn't] trust him more, pleased with my desire, and bemused because I keep ignoring his calls [and procrastinate]."

     These moments of prayer  were what I brought to my director Friday morning.